The 36 Questions That Lead to Love — The Full List

In 1997 the psychologist Arthur Aron published a study on whether closeness between two people could be generated deliberately. The method was a set of thirty-six questions asked in order, getting gradually more personal, followed by four minutes of silent eye contact. It became famous years later when a New York Times essay applied it to a first date.

It is not magic and it will not make anyone fall in love. What it does reliably is produce a better conversation than you would otherwise have had, which is a perfectly good reason to spend an hour on it. Below is the full list, in the original three sets.

How to do it properly: both of you answer every question, in order, out loud. Do not skip ahead. Set roughly an hour aside. It works over a video call as well as in person.

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a perfect day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you have dreamed of doing for a long time? Why have you not done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you have just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why have you not told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how they might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

The four minutes at the end

After the questions, the study had participants look into each other’s eyes for four minutes without speaking. Set a timer. It is much longer than it sounds and the first minute is usually quite funny, which is fine.

Honestly, does it work?

The study measured increased closeness between strangers in a lab, not lasting love. For a couple who already know each other it does something slightly different and arguably more useful: the later questions are ones you would never arrive at by accident, and most people find out at least one thing they did not know.

Do not treat it as a test. There is no score and nobody passes.

If you want more after this

Nothing else in this category goes as deep, but the honest section of Never Have I Ever is the closest. For a complete change of mood, Would You Rather is the lightest thing we have, and the couple quiz turns it into a bit of a competition.

All of the no-install options are listed in online games for couples.